Love, pain, and a new opportunity in exile

16 October 2024
By Yanisa Vararaksapong

I became obsessed with watching live videos of protests in Thailand. My life completely changed when I was charged with Article 112 (lese majeste) in 2021. From attending classes at Chulalongkorn University in Bangkok, going to pro-democracy protests almost every week, and talking politics and finding small joy with friends whenever I could, I became isolated, stuck in a safe house somewhere far away from home. Those videos became the only connections I had left with the life I was forced to leave. I would search the crowd on my tiny laptop screen for familiar faces, getting a sharp sting in my heart every time I saw someone I knew. I would have been there with them if I was not stuck here. One night there were mass arrests. I sat in front of my laptop as usual, watching my friends getting carried away by the police one by one. I couldn’t do anything but cry.

“Hey, I love you. I’m afraid that prison might change you. It might destroy you,” said a dear friend when I told them how I was doubting my decision to go into exile. The lese majeste charge meant that I was at risk of up to 15 years of imprisonment, and many other protesters had already been detained under this law. Thailand’s women’s prisons are infamous for their mistreatment of inmates, inadequate healthcare, inedible food, and lack of sanitation facilities, and everything in between. At 19 years old, I couldn’t see myself surviving years of such subjugation. I had no other choice but to leave behind the life that I felt I had not yet fully lived. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life.

My journey up to that point had been similar to many other Thai teenagers who found themselves on the street demanding a better, more just future. I grew up hearing about Thaksin Shinawatra and his landslide victory in 2001, the mobilization of and tension between the Red Shirts and the Yellow Shirts that followed, and the 2006 and 2014 coups. In school, I wrote an essay about human rights lawyer Arnon Nampa defending his clients who were charged with Article 112, not knowing that both Arnon and I would one day be charged with that very same draconian law and forced to be separated from our loved ones. Arnon is behind bars, and I am forced into exile. Like many, I was enraged at the disbandment of the Future Forward Party, a new progressive party many young Thais resonated with, and I was shocked and saddened when I heard about the enforced disappearance of Wanchalearm Satsaksit, an activist who was forced into exile after the 2014 coup. 

In 2020, when thousands of students across various university campuses came out in droves to demand–among other things–the end to political repression and a new constitution, I felt empowered to do my part. As a senior at Triam Udom Suksa High School, I posted on Twitter and Instagram asking if my peers wanted to organize a protest on our own school campus, and that became the first of many protests I was involved in for the next year. From the meeting rooms, to the streets, to the stages, I got to know people, young and old, from so many different walks of life but all with the same passion for justice and equality. I was excited to meet people who had spent years fighting for the things I also believed in. The more I did for the pro-democracy movement, the more I realized I could do, and that became my dream: to keep working with and for marginalized communities in Thailand. I was filled with hope until one day.

My dream was shattered when I learned that I was at risk of being charged with the dreaded Article 112. Confused and scared, I tried to fly out of the country to stay away until the whole situation became clearer. However, things became more confusing when I ran into some unclear issues with my passport at the airline's check-in desk. Moments after I left the airport, plainclothes police rushed to that very desk and seized my luggage and passport, even though I had not yet been charged with any crime. I later learned that I had been put on Immigration’s clandestine Stop List. A summons and, later, an arrest warrant were issued days after accusing me of arson and lese majeste. Knowing I would most likely face a biased judicial proceeding, I fled, heartbroken.

I found safety in a distant land, far away from everything I had ever known. Although I recognized the privilege I had in being able to get to the US safely when many Thais were still being punished for voicing their opinions and the material conditions still proved to be suffocating for most, I realized that I too was being cruelly punished by the Thai government. I have been forced to leave everyone and everything that I love. I don’t know when I will ever meet my aging grandmother again. Moreover, even after I left, my family has continued to be targeted for surveillance and harassment. Displacement is weapon the government uses to silence and punish dissidents, and I knew I had the duty to resist it. I held on to my dream of contributing to a future of liberation, but I struggled to find a way to best continue my fight from a place without the communities I grew up in and cared for.

As I embarked on my new life in the US, I fortunately got to meet many like-minded individuals and communities. One significant connection was with human rights lawyer Sirikan “June” Charoensiri. With her extensive experience at Thai Lawyers for Human Rights (TLHR), June introduced and guided me into the world of international advocacy for human rights and democracy. She encouraged me to envision a Thai diaspora-led initiative whose reach could go beyond the Thai borders. This ultimately led to the creation of Engage Thailand. My hopes and dreams that were once shattered are now blooming in my heart again. Through Engage Thailand I realize that, even though I’m away from home, I can continue supporting my friends there by mobilizing the diasporic and international communities. Collective action outside of Thailand can make a significant contribution to democracy back home.

However, I cannot do this alone. I fell in love with the communities that I found while organizing in Thailand, and I hope to find and create new communities again here. If you share my dream for a better Thailand for all, I invite you to join us here at Engage Thailand. Follow us on Instagram and subscribe to our newsletter to stay updated on the latest happenings in Thailand and hear our events and ways you could support our cause. Please also consider making either a one-time or a recurring donation via engagethailand.org/contribute. Recognizing our position in the global economy, a small donation truly goes a long way when it comes to meeting the needs of those in Thailand. With your help, our collective power increases. And perhaps my dream of returning to a home, where people aren’t jailed for voicing their opinions and inequality is a thing of the past, will become a reality sooner than I can imagine.